Wednesday, April 27, 2011

the path

A single tear fell to the ground
And made but just the softest sound
A sound for only one to hear
The one who shed the single tear
Reminding her the softest sound
Had fallen on a lonely ground
A lonely path on this lonely ground
Where only her footsteps could be found
Walking to no particular place
Walking alone at a lonely pace
For long she walked on this lonely ground
Knowing there was no end to be found
Nothing to find but a single tear
And yet she walked till her eyes were clear

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Bus: Part 2


     The man next to me wore a grey suit and carried a black briefcase. He was peering into a file folder labeled “Walton Enterprises”. He flipped through the contents for a while and stroked his chin. He stopped for a moment and rubbed his tired eyes. It seemed as if the man had spent many long hours in an office somewhere, lending to a slightly unkempt appearance and five-o-clock shadow. As the bus approached the International District, he stood up, readying his handful of change for the bus fare. The man shuffled toward the front of the bus, paid his fare, and stepped out into the brisk air. In reality, he may have stayed on the bus a while longer, but liked to walk the last few blocks when it wasn’t raining. His leather dress shoes hardly provided comfort while walking, and the air was cold, but he paid no mind as he passed the rows of apartments and small businesses. He thought back on the chaos of the week and was glad to be out of the office for the weekend. The man walked up the steps of his apartment building, which was one of the oldest buildings in the city. Others often asked, with knowledge of the man’s financial wellness, why he hadn’t chosen a grander residency. He would respond with a smile and a shrug and say, “my place has character”.
            The truth was, it had been six months since the divorce and he couldn’t seem to leave it. It was their place, and although her things were gone she still lingered there. Some nights he wondered if she’d be there when he opened the door, smiling and waiting for him with a hug. Or perhaps she’d be in the kitchen making them dinner and setting their table for two. Day after day he opened that door but she was nowhere to be found. On this particular day, the man sat in his chair and opened a drawer, shuffling around for a certain object. It was small but unmistakable and when he found it, he took it out and examined it. The ring was scratched but still shiny as ever, and he read the inscription on the inside. He wondered how it had ever left his finger, and how the inscription had ever become untrue. The man closed his eyes and imagined her giving him the ring with such excitement. He couldn’t help but laugh when he thought about her nervousness that he wouldn’t like it—it was perfect. He thought about the good times together and wondered if he’d ever find a love again. In the midst of these thoughts the phone rang, and the man was brought back to reality. He didn’t bother to answer and instead looked around at the picture-less walls and piles of only his laundry. It was then that the man from Walton Enterprises wished he were back on the bus, going nowhere in particular but just to escape for a while. 

Friday, March 11, 2011

The Bus


            As we passed Aloha Street I wondered about the origin of the street name. Perhaps there is some historical tie to the Hawaiian word. Or maybe it seemed a creative alternative to “A” street. I would prefer to think that the city planner assigned to this particular area stopped to think of a name that would inspire sunshine and warmth in the midst of the constant gray drizzle. If this indeed was the case, I applaud him for his efforts. In any case, I closed my eyes and imagined being on the Hawaiian sand with the heat on my skin and the sound of waves in my ears. The bus driver’s erratic braking interrupted this perfect daydream, jolting me back to reality.
            Choosing one’s seat on the bus is really quite simple. Firstly, a young, able-bodied person such as myself must avoid the front seats, as they are reserved for the disabled and elderly. Secondly, one must assess whether or not the bus has an accordion-like section between the front and back. If so, one should avoid this particular area unless you relish spinning from side to side with each turn. If you should find yourself so unlucky as to have no seat available to you, I would suggest holding on with both hands. Now I don’t mean to disrespect city transit drivers—they are doing a great public service. However, my bus riding experiences have gleaned the simple fact that these transit workers take a very forthright approach to driving. The city is a no-nonsense kind of place and its drivers must be as such. I have traveled at the mercy of these drivers without harm thus far, but I cannot say that it has been without fear.
            I have also come to learn new things about myself as a result of riding the bus, chief among these-- my fear of germs. Taking my own advice, I hold onto the handrails when standing. I find myself, however, consumed by thoughts of all the hands that have held them before me and in turn, where those hands have been. I begin to wonder how often the city buses and trains are cleaned and how thoroughly. And even if this cleaning is a regular occurrence, how many hundreds of people travel in them on a daily basis? The sheer volume of travelers seems to make any sanitation attempt useless. I have also learned (involuntarily) that I appear very unhappy to those around me. On one particular occasion, a man said that I should smile more since I was such a pretty girl. He then proceeded to tell me about his seven daughters and how pretty they were. He explained that he didn’t understand how they were so pretty and smart, and that the eldest was studying subjects in college that he didn’t even understand. I too found it difficult to understand how this man could have such pretty daughters—his round belly and scraggly beard hardly produced a vision of beauty. On a second occasion, a boy of 18 or 19 pointed out that I looked very angry. I cracked an awkward smile and shrugged. He then proceeded to explain how his younger sister, who was a Skinhead, had been jumped by a gang of boys, at which point he was forced to jump in. Consequently, he too was beat up. He asked where I was from, if I did drugs or drank alcohol and then told me another irrelevant story. You may have noticed by now that along with having an “unhappy” countenance, I also express my interest in the lives of complete strangers by sitting silently on the bus.
            By this time we had almost reached the underground terminal downtown. Despite my occasional annoyance with other passengers, I began to wonder about them. The body filling each seat represented a unique set of likes and dislikes; fears and joys, a past and a future. Where would they go after getting off the bus? I wondered if they thought about the germs on the handrails, or felt annoyed when strange men told them to smile more. I wondered if they minded taking the bus, or if they had even given it a second thought. I hoped they wouldn’t mind my wondering about them, and I wondered if they might wonder about me too. 

Letter to an Angel

I didn't know you were hurting like me, I really had no idea. Now I feel like I should've seen that you were covering it up too. You had to be the happy one, the funny one and not the person that no one knew. Maybe it was all new to you and it wasn't your way of life. If you didn't understand or know what to do, I could have helped you through it. Not that I've got it figured out yet, but I've sure spent a long time trying. I've had those thoughts you must have had, if you were even thinking at all. I just wish you would have thought them out loud to me and maybe things would be different. Selfishly I want you here because you brought me joy, but I know you're in a place where being happy is no struggle at all. Still I wish I could have seen that you were hurting like me, and that we could have helped each other. Spinning around that highway, I knew it wasn't my time. Maybe it was God, or maybe it was you, but either way it wasn't just my own voice saying "it's going to be okay." So in that way you've helped me more than you'll ever know to show me I have to keep going. Even when it feels like there's no point at all and every day is the same, I find solace in thinking one thought of you, and in that moment I am okay. 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Worlds

You're worlds away but who knows how far. 
Maybe across a hot desert sand or floating atop a grey sea. 
Maybe in a place where the night is filled with the crashing of bombs and the morning may never come. Maybe the days are filled with loneliness and you day dream of what your world once was. 
Perhaps you are happy being worlds away, where your weapon and radio are your companions. 
Maybe your world is nothing but waiting. 
Waiting for the word, waiting for danger, waiting to die, waiting to leave.
 Maybe death never crosses your mind, but it constantly lingers in mine. 
Would I be the last thing to fill your thoughts before they deliver your flag? 
Or perhaps in your world I am nothing at all. 
In my world you're still here, ever-present and near like a song that never stops playing.
For a moment in time our worlds were one in the same, or maybe two worlds collided.
But now we are worlds away, but who knows how far.